Ladybugs are a sign of good luck? I think not....

We have a tree in our front yard. Usually it's swarming with hornets or filled with birds' nests. A few days ago, the kids noticed that the hornets and birds have long abandoned the tree, having been replaced by ladybugs. TONS of ladybugs.



These are just pictures of the trunk of the tree. There are ladybugs on the leaves, on the branches...everywhere.

Supposedly, ladybugs are a sign of good luck and good fortune. Really?! Could've fooled me.

If ladybugs are representative of all things good, then explain to me...

--How come at least one of my kids drops something heavy on the pinky toe of my right foot EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN. DAY.

--Why I was stupid enough to leave a bowl of delicious tuna salad on the counter uncovered, while our cat paced the kitchen just waiting for me to turn my back so she could devour my lunch

--How come I'm always the "mean one" because I won't let the kids eat candy 24 hours a day like Daddy does

--Why I thought letting Landon out of the shopping cart at Target while we were looking at (breakable) Christmas ornaments was a good idea

--Why I'm always "that mom" whose spawn run around the store like wild animals on crack

--How come my husband's idea of romance is to come up behind me, rub himself against my backside and say, "Do ya feel like having a German sausage for dinner?"

--Why it always seems to be my luck that as one of my kids is in my face telling me something, he sneezes so hard that his snot actually explodes all over my face

--Why did my morning have to start off with me slipping my ice cold feet into my slippers, only to find out the slippers were soaking wet. And then one of my toddlers proudly announcing, "Me peed on it", after I asked, "Okay, who spilled water on my slippers?" Of course, he wouldn't want to tell me that BEFORE I put the slippers on.

Then again, I've also heard that ladybugs are a symbol of love....which probably explains why after having a week like this, my heart is still overwhelmed with love for my rowdy, snot-infested, mischievous children, as well as my amorous yet perverted husband.

It's a good thing God sent a TON of ladybugs my way....

Interview with the experts, Part 3

The theme this week is "SuperHeroes" ....

If you could be a super hero, what would your super hero name be?
Cole: Dinosaur Holder
Bella: Werewolf Woman....Wait, no, I'd be Supergirl

What would your super hero power be?
Cole: I'd be strong, like seriously strong. And I can fly and smell dirt. My eyes would be really good at seeing bones
Bella: I'd be really strong so I could kick down doors. And I'd be able to hear everything so no one would be able to tell secrets anymore

Would you need to eat special food to maintain your super powers?
Cole: Yes, chicken and turkey
Bella: Beans and crab, but not together because that would be gross

Would you sleep or stay awake at all times?
Cole: I wouldn't be able to stay awake all the time so I'd lie down at 100 (One hundred) o'clock for about 80 minutes
Bella: I think I would go down at 6:00, 7 times a day for 80 hours each time. And Monday would be Tuesday all the time.

As a super hero, how would you help people?
Cole: I can understand dinosaurs...see, cuz I'm the Dinosaur Holder. So I'd listen to what the dinosaurs say and then tell the people what they have to do to get the dinosaur to go away.
Bella: I don't know. I'd just run around town saving people all day long.

Would you wear a costume?
Cole: Yes, my costume is green with a picture of a dinosaur on it
Bella: I'd have to wear a costume and it would pink with purple sparkly things on the front. I'd also have a cape that's shiny and purple. With some lace on the edges. I'd wear my hair in a ponytail and purple sparkly nailpolish.

Do other people know that you're a super hero or do you do it on the sly, like Spiderman does?
Cole: No one knows that I'm Dinosaur Holder. They think I'm just me but I'm not me.
Bella: No, no one knows who I am but if I forget to take off my costume, then they might know. They'd say, "Hey, I know you" and I'd say, "No, you don't". Then I'd send them away.

What would someone do after you rescued them?
Cole: They'd invite me over to their house to play with their trains or they could make me some brownies with frosting
Bella: They would say "thank you for rescuing me" and I would say "you're welcome". If they forget, I'd say, "HELLO....manners please?" You need to thank someone after they rescue you. It's the polite thing to do.

Some super heroes have enemies. Would you have any?
Cole: No, everyone would love me
Bella: The bad witch from Wizard of Oz would be my enemy. I'd catch her and make her wash the green stuff off her face. She looks ugly like that. I'd let her put on a little bit of make-up but only if she did it the right way, like the good witch with the pretty dress

What would you do if you had to go potty right in the middle of rescuing someone?
Cole: Uh, I'd just pee on the floor.
Bella: I'd excuse myself and tell the person "I'll be right back. Try not to mess things up". I'd go home and pee. Then I'd go back to rescuing the person.

How does one become a super hero?
Cole: Well, you have to be a good listener and eat lots of vegetables and some fruit. Lots of vitamin C. And then if God is happy with you, he turns you into a super hero.
Bella: You're just born that way. Some people got it and some people don't.

Go ahead and have some fun with this....ask your kids the same questions and see what they come up with!

Christian Siriano....you better watch out

Garrett and Landon are 2.5 years old and they have finally hit that stage where they want more control over their appearance. You know, they want to pick out their own clothes and choose which shoes they want to wear on any given day. It's a fierce battle every morning.

I have enough stress in my life so I had to let go of something. Some battles just aren't worth fighting, know what I mean?

So, every morning, Garrett and Landon choose their own clothes. I try my best not to giggle or ask them, "Are you absolutely sure this is what you want to wear today?"

As we encounter people, the first thing I say is, "They chose their own outfits"...as if I need to make up an excuse as to why my kids are walking around like fashion misfits.

Here we have Garrett....he's dressed in a lovely Lightning McQueen pajama shirt that he refused to change after sleeping in it the night before, adorable Finding Nemo underwear and stylin' rain boots. A very relaxed style...the kind of look that says, "I'm all about comfort...and the rain boots protect me against any sudden leaks. I am in the midst of potty training, after all".


"Oh, gotta run, I hear the phone....I'm expecting a call from Tommy Hilfiger. We're cutting a deal on a new fashion line for toddlers"


Next, we have Landon....he's all about keeping cozy warm as the cold weather hits but it's also important to him to flaunt the brand names. God forbid anyone finds out that his mother shops at Target and Kohl's.



Landon is modeling a Thomas the train shirt underneath his Gap sweatshirt. He has layered basketball shorts over his blue sweatpants....going for style without having to compromise comfort or the luxury of keeping warm. Mismatched socks with open-toed sandals complete the look.

A side note....the sweatshirt must have a hood on it in order to successfully pull off this look . Just so you know.


I hear Christian Siriano is shaking in his boots right now. He's going to have some stiff competition in the fashion world with these two little guys right on his heels.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I need to confirm their lunch plans tomorrow with Ralph Lauren.

Stupid childhood stunts....

A few weeks ago, Bella finally figured out how to use the jump rope. She was so excited about it and called out to me, "Mommy, come see what I can do....". I squealed with delight as I watched her practice her newfound skill.

I said, "I used to love to jump rope too when I was your age. I'd play jump rope games for hours with my friends in the middle of our street". Her eyes got huge and she said, "You used to play jump rope too? Mommy, I'm just like you....I'm gonna do the same things you did when you were little".

Now, I suppose that should've been a proud moment for me and it was...don't get me wrong. But I quickly had flashbacks to all the STUPID things I did when I was younger that I pray to God she never repeats.

At the time, of course, I thought I was pretty darn cool....until I got busted by my parents. And I ALWAYS got busted, due to my stupidity.

Stupid Childhood Stunt #1: "Borrowing" my dad's car with my best friend when we were 14. My parents were out with friends and it seemed like a great opportunity. My BFF even traced the car keys exactly how they were laying on the counter so we could put them back the same way.

We went to a party, had a great time and then drove back to my house. Parked the car exactly where it was supposed to be and even put the keys back in the same place, same position.

Too bad we forgot to turn off the headlights and make sure that the wipers weren't laying smack across the windshield. Seriously....we were THAT stupid.

I acted all innocent in the morning when my dad asked me if I knew why his car was dead. Then he said, "I'd almost believe you, except you left the windshield wipers up".

Needless to say, I was grounded.

Stupid Childhood Stunt #2: The time I changed one of the grades on my report card from an F to a B. I erased the F very lightly and then typed over it, replacing it with a B.

I thought it looked pretty authentic but apparently my mom didn't. Instead of confronting me right away, she waited until she could get a hold of my teacher by phone. Of course, he told her I had gotten an F and they were both appalled that I had changed my grade.

At home, I was grounded and at school, I received detention. Not to mention, the teacher moved my seat to the front of the room, where he announced to the entire class what I had done and that I obviously needed closer supervision. So not cool.

Stupid Childhood Stunt #3: My mom worked full time at a hair salon and usually didn't get home until the evening. She expected my sister and I to go straight home after school. Once we were home, we were to call and let her know we had arrived there safely.

One day, I went home with my best friend, who lived a few houses away, without permission. I called my mom and told her I was home (that was before caller ID had been invented....WTF, I sound like I'm ancient).

She said, "Make sure you take the dog outside to go to the bathroom". I answered, "Okay, I'll do it as soon as I get home". STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

She asked, "I thought you said you WERE home already". I stumbled as I said, "Uh.... I am home. I don't know why I said that. It's been a really long day". But my mom's not as stupid as I am. She slowly said, "You're going to hang up this phone. And I'm going to call you back AT HOME and you better damn well answer the phone".

I busted out the door and ran home as fast as I could, thinking I could beat the clock. When I got home, I sat and waited for her to call (this was before most people had answering machines...WTF, I guess I am ancient).

When she didn't call, I called her at work and asked, "Why didn't you call back? I've been sitting here waiting". She said, "I DID call. You didn't answer. That's all the proof I need to know you were lying about where you were."

I said, "Oh, well, you must have called when I took the dog out...." and she interrupted me with, "Helene, you're only making it worse....I suggest you stop while you're ahead".

Needless to say, I was grounded.

Stupid Childhood Stunt #4: My parents didn't allow us to have boys in the house, under any circumstance, unless they were home. You think that was gonna deter me? Yeah, right.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had a HUGE crush on this guy, who was a senior and played on the football team. I didn't think he even knew I existed until one day when we were in the library together, he walked over to where I was standing and kissed me. He said, "I've been wanting to do that for awhile now". Such a Cassenova, right?

Then he asked me if he could give me a ride home from school that day. Like I'm really gonna say, "Oh, I'm not allowed to have boys in the house when my parents aren't home"? That would've been SO uncool. He told me where to meet him in the parking lot later that day.

After school,he drove me home. Fortunately, FOR ME, I had somehow forgotten my house key that day. I say "fortunately for me" because obviously this guy had other reasons why he wanted to go to my house.... and it wasn't to do homework. Yeah, I was THAT naive.

I invited him onto the back porch, which, in case you didn't know, isn't technically "IN the house", according to me. However, according to my parents, the back porch IS considered IN the house. Who knew?

So my dream guy and I hung out on the back porch, where we proceeded to have a heavy make-out session. I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth...he thought he was just plain gonna get lucky.

When my mom hadn't heard from me, upon returning home from school, she got worried and came home....just in time to see us both sit up suddenly from the lounge chair we were sharing, with me scrambling to button my shirt up.

I said, "Uh, Mom....this is Darryl", hoping she hadn't noticed my buttons weren't lined up properly. She said, "Hi Darryl...Helene isn't supposed to have boys in the house without adult supervision. I suggest you leave now". OMG, I wanted the earth to split open and swallow me whole.

Needless to say, I was grounded. And Darryl never spoke to me again...

I wish I could say that there were no more stupid childhood stunts after that but there were, of course. I won't continue to bore you with the time my friend and I got into my parent's liquor cabinet one night while they were out....

So you can kinda see why I hope my daughter doesn't do exactly the same things I did when I was younger.

But then again, there was a reason my parents always seemed to know I was up to no good. Once I became an adult, I learned my dad once stole his parent's car and drove to the airport, where he and his friends hung out drinking. I also learned that my mom had snuck around plenty with a boy that my grandparents didn't like.

I suppose if Bella tries to repeat the same stunts as I did, I'll be one step ahead of her just like my parents were with me. Hopefully, she'll just stick to innocent games, such as jump rope and hopscotch, until she turns 18.

A mom can dream, right?

The irony of it all...

I've been working on a book for quite awhile now, attempting to spend every spare hour I have working on it, whether that be early in the morning or late at night. Sometimes, if I can successfully get the kids caught up in an activity together, I'll try to break away for a few minutes and write a paragraph or two.

One day last week, I was on a roll. I have to be "in the mood" to write and I was finally getting somewhere after suffering from a mild bout of writer's block.

I began to type...."The deafening silence in our home was almost too much to bear. Just another cruel reminder that I was infertile. How I ached to hear the sound of children's laughter, instead of the sound of my own agonizing wails. How I wished to be up in the middle of the night rocking a tired baby back to sleep, instead of laying awake in bed planning yet another IVF cycle...back at square one, again."

Slowly, I began to lose my concentration, as the kids became louder and louder while they fought over whose turn it was to use the green crayon. Are you serious? Like there's no OTHER green crayons besides that ONE?

One by one, they ran up to me, screaming, "Mommy, I had it first", "No, I had it first and she ripped it out of my hand"...."Well, I've been waiting for my turn and he won't let me have it".

I had had enough. I finally lost my temper and in a loud, angry tone of voice, I said, "Can't you all play nicely together for just a little while? Why do you always need me to intervene? I just want some peace and quiet, for a change. Is that too much to ask? Can you all just leave me alone for a little while, PLEASE? I really need to focus!"

They all nodded their heads and walked away to resume coloring. I felt bad for raising my voice but, my goodness, I'll never get this book done at the rate I'm going.

Just as I turned back to my computer, Cole came up to me and asked, "Mommy, what are you working on?" Annoyed yet again at being interrupted, I sighed, "Cole, I'm working on my book. I need to concentrate, so can you find something to do and not bother me for a little while?"

Obviously, not catching a clue, he asked, "What's your book about?" Now I was getting super frustrated....soon, Tim would be home and I'd have to start cooking dinner. And then I'd have lost my mo-jo and Lord only knew when it would hit me again.

I answered, "It's a story. My story about how desperately I wanted to be a mother . Okay? Now can you leave me alone so I can get back to my writing?"

Oh yes, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I was telling my kid to get lost for a little while so I could write about how badly I wanted children. I was asking them for peace and quiet, while I was writing a paragraph describing how the deafening sound of silence in our home made my heart ache.

I went back and read the paragraph that I had just written and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes. Was I really THAT blind?

Nothing is so important that I can't take a few minutes away from my work to help my kids resolve an argument, even though I play referee at least 10 times a day, or to spend those last 20 minutes of the day reading them their favorite book.

Someday, when this book is finally done, I wish to dedicate it to them....my children, the ones who healed my heart and made it whole again. My children, the ones who fill our home with the sound of laughter and tears, so much so that I can't even hear the sound of my own voice most of the time.

I want them to be proud of the book and proud of me, not resentful of the time I spent away from them in order to finish it.

After all, my children are the reason I even have a story to tell.

Crummy weather - day 1

Uh-oh, it's the beginning of cold, dreary days around here. Time to break out the arts and crafts and try to keep the kids entertained....and me from going insane.

I took the kids to the library recently to find some craft books. We came across the book Hand-Print Animal Art by Carolyn Carreiro and it had some magnificent projects the kids could do simply by using their hands.

Garrett and Landon both made turkey handprints. This is Landon's....


This is Garrett's....


Aren't they SO cute?? They picked their own colors and giggled the entire time while I painted their tiny hands.

Cole and Bella weren't in a Thanksgiving kinda mood so they chose completely different crafts.

Cole made a picture of a shark swimming in the ocean, among some fish.


He used his hands and fingers to make the entire thing, with the exception of the outlines. How cool is that?!

Bella made a fishbowl full of goldfish (and some jumping OUT of the bowl because, according to her, it's cruel to keep the fish in water all the time...they might get too wrinkled)...



Look how proud she is of her beautiful masterpiece!!

We actually had a lot of fun doing these, even though the mess was unbelievable! Who knew there were so many crafts you could simply make out of your own handprint?

So....day 1 of crummy weather was successful. Now, what to do the rest of the week?? Hmmmm.....

Potty Training 101, according to a toddler....

Just when I was pretty sure that Garrett and Landon wouldn't be interested in potty training until they were.....like 6 years old....2 weeks ago, Garrett suddenly announced that his diaper was yucky. Yes, just like that....he tore his diaper off, said "this is yucky" and that was it.

I said, "Well, if your diaper is yucky and you don't want to wear it anymore, you'll need to use the potty". My jaw hit the floor as he said, "Okay" and walked into the bathroom, sat down on the little potty seat and peed! It was THAT simple. He's 2.5 years old (31 months, to be exact) and he was ready.

As parents, we bang our heads against the wall, frustrated with our children over such milestones as potty training. It's definitely not for the weak at heart. When it comes to potty training, there's a lot to be said about waiting until your child is ready...not when you're ready.

If Garrett could give some pointers, I would imagine there would be some important things he'd want me to know.

Potty Training 101 - According To a Toddler

1) This is the most important rule....I'm just gonna come right out and lay it on the line. I am in control here. Not you. Not Daddy. Not the moon and stars in the sky. ME...I am in control. I will use the potty when I am good and ready...and not a minute before that. Yeah, yeah...I know you gave me life and all. Save your breath cuz I really don't care.

2) Let's go over the rewards system. If I'm gonna be honest here (which you know is RARE for me) the one reward that means the most to me is just seeing you incredibly happy. I mean, if seeing a little bit of pee in the potty from lil ole me makes you beam with pride, I'm all for it.

With that said, if you INSIST on giving rewards, here's a list I put together which might be helpful:

-- candy (preferably, lollipops....lots and lots of lollipops)

-- stickers (of all my favorite tv/movie characters, definitely not Big Bird...he kinda sucks)

-- temporary tattoos (the ones with skulls, not the ones that say "My mom rocks")

-- time-out for all my siblings (hey, it's MY reward...don't ask any questions)

-- toys (let's be clear...good things do not come in small packages! The bigger the better, just sayin')

3) Pull-ups vs diapers. Honestly, there's no difference. Pull-ups are really just glorified diapers. And they're more expensive. Save your money and just get me a big screen tv for my room.

4) Underwear - okay, here's the deal. It is of the utmost importance that you let me go to the store with you and choose whatever underwear I want to get. Running into the house all excited with a bag full of new underwear that YOU chose from Target isn't gonna go over well with me. Just so you know.

Remember, the control issue? It all goes back to that. If you come home from the store waving a package of new underwear in my face that I did NOT pick out myself, then you should fully expect a huge setback, more than likely, in the form of a big ole steaming pile of crap on your white bedroom carpet. Yep, that's how I roll. With your kind of luck, you actually won't discover it until you step in it.

6) Please, please, please try to make this whole potty training thing entertaining for me. Here's what's UNacceptable:

-- You sitting on a stepstool in front of me, staring me down as if your brain can telepathically send a message to my bladder and my colon, urging them both to take quick action so you can go update your Facebook page, bragging about how awesome you are at potty training your child (as if....)

-- Calling the entire family into the bathroom to watch me perform. I know it's hard to resist because I'm just so darn cute sitting on the pot. I mean, I'd want to stare at me too. But now that I've agreed to give up diapers, I have the right to privacy in the bathroom. I've earned it. Oh, and before you even think it....YOU, however, do not have any right to privacy....ever.

-- NO taking pictures of my poop and e-mailing them to Daddy at work with the subject line reading, "You HAVE to see this". My poop can only truly be appreciated in person.

--NO saying, "How can such a little body make such a big poop?" Let me just remind you that YOU do the cooking around here. I can't help that my body considers most of the food you make garbage.

-- Singing silly, stupid songs (say this 10 times fast successfully and maybe I'll consider holding my bladder for an entire night so you can get 8 consecutive hours of sleep - but, then again, don't hold your breath)

Here's what I think is super fun....see, I'm a huge Disney freak. So my mom let me pick out my own underwear at the store and of course I picked all Disney characters cuz I'm cool like that.

This is a picture of me, proudly holding all my underwear....



I know....so cute, right? Anyway, she tacks them to the wall in the bathroom
right next to my little potty, like this....



While I'm doing my business, I stare at them and imagine Dori saying, "Just keep peeing, just keep peeing" and Buzz Lightyear saying, "To infinity and beyond..." when I flush the potty.

It's FUN. I totally dig this.

7) There WILL be regression....when you least expect it, of course. Like, say, when we're at a playdate at someone else's house. Or when you finally decide to be brave enough to take the entire family out for dinner. It's not that I've forgotten how to use the potty....it's more that, for some reason, you got in your head that YOU are in control. This is simply not the case.

I am in control and this is how I put you back in your place (must we review #1 again?). You'll look disappointed and say, "Now, why did you do that? You know how to poop in the potty!"

Yeah, see, that isn't the point...of course I do. It's YOU who has forgotten how we play the game. And sometimes you just have to reminded of who the REAL boss is.

8) Lastly, don't be in such a hurry to rush me through the potty training process. Remember, I'm only this young for a little while. Cherish these times and appreciate them.

Trust me, you'll think potty training was a breeze compared to the hell I'll put you through when I'm a teenager.

So there you have it....potty training 101, in a nutshell, courtesy of yours truly...