Apparently, I've missed the memo...yet again

February 8, 2010

To: Mommy
From: Your LOVING demon spawn (the oxymoron of the century)
Re: Past memos
===================================

We are tired of listening to you bellow, "Who forgot to turn the lights off? Did I miss the memo saying that electricity is now free?" and "Why can't you all clean up after yourselves? Did I miss the memo saying that I'm your personal maid?"

We hate to be the bearers of bad news (yeah, right...it's what we live for, actually) but yes, in fact, you have missed a whole lotta memos around here recently.

Since you continue to claim that pregnancy has cost you most of your brain cells and you don't recall receiving the memos, we thought it would be helpful if we sent you a not-so-gentle reminder.

1) As you've already guessed, electricity is now free. So stop your moaning and groaning when we leave a couple lights on after we leave a room or leave the television on when we're not watching it. How do we know it's free? Because there's no swipie thingie for your debit or credit card next to the on/off switches...duh.

2) The kitchen hours have changed....it is now open round the clock, 24/7. If we're thirsty at 3:00 am, we can walk downstairs and get ourselves a glass of juice. It's no big deal if we spill it all over the floor because you need to clean the floor anyway, for the 5th time in one week.

What? The fridge was left open all night long? No worries...electricity is free, remember? And all that food that went bad during those 5 hours...we were just gonna waste it anyway.

3) For those of us who still have baby teeth, eating candy is no longer a big deal. Furthermore, there's no need to brush twice a day because baby teeth fall out anyway so why bother to take care of them. The Tooth Fairy even said so. See....


I'm the Tooth Fairy and I approve this memo.

4) Peeing in the tub during bath time is acceptable. In fact, it always has been cool to empty our bladders in the tub but parents everywhere started rebelling, saying we might get dysentery and keel over in the middle of soccer practice so we had to put an end to it.

However, since it's a known fact that OUR time is more precious than YOUR time, we will be re-implementing this rule. You know, pee in the tub while bathing ourselves....kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

If it makes you feel any better, human pee actually isn't harmful if consumed...it's only yellow-tinged water, after all. Now, if we're talking about pooping in the tub...that's a whole 'nother issue. Even we have our standards, believe it or not.

5) The studies showing that television is bad for children is a crock. It has recently been discovered by a random group of kindergarteners (all 2 of us) that children get into LESS trouble and mothers pull out LESS of their own hair when we're being entertained by the babysitter television. In many cases, it has saved the lives of numerous children....not to mention, it has prevented the overcrowding of bald mothers in the insane asylum.

6) The phrases "because I said so", "because I'm the parent here, not you", "use your inside voice" and "use walking feet" have been abolished from the human language. Enough said...

7) R.E.S.P.E.C.T. If you want us to listen to you, then you need to listen to us. No more saying, "uh-huh" while you keep your head buried in your People magazine when we're telling you for the 3rd time that day about the gnarliest greenish-brown booger that Sam pulled out of his nose during share time in class. Surely, that's more entertaining than Heidi Montag's 4th nose-job or the most shocking scandal ever to happen in Bachelor history (again).

We know you're NOT listening...we're mischievous and somewhat evil, not stupid.

8) An apple a day keeps the doctor away...that now applies to parents, as well as children. No more piling fruits and veggies a mile high on our plates while you scarf down oreos and donuts at every meal. For someone who claims to be healthy, the junk in your trunk and the jiggle in your middle indicates otherwise.

9) Share and share alike...isn't that what you always say? It goes both ways...you now need to share YOUR things with us, including but not limited to, your make-up (yes, the eyelash curler and the mascara are on that list), adult scissors (we'll give a whole new meaning to the term "running with scissors" and it'll be downright scary), your brand new laptop, the keys to the mini-van, your digital camera, all 10 tv remotes, and Daddy's endless supply of Dr. Pepper which you keep hidden in the garage. Let the good times roll...

Thank you for your cooperation. If you would like to dispute any of the items included in this memo, you can suck it.

We reserve the right to change these rules any ole' time we please...simply because we can.

Dear Someone....

Short Mama over at Family of Shorts hosts a weekly meme called "Dear Someone" and since I have some things I need to get off my chest, I thought it would be fun to participate. If you have something you need to tell someone, write your letter and link up with the rest of us on her site!

Dear Landon, I know it's horrible of me to pretend to cry when you misbehave. Your big brother and sister have ruined me and it's come down to this...I've had to be creative to get through to you all. It's so sweet, though, how you run over to me, all concerned, to give me a big hug and say, "Don't cry, Mommy. I love you." I almost feel bad about being so manipulative (key word here being "almost"). Stop misbehaving and I won't have to sob shamelessly anymore.

Dear Garrett, you're adorable and I love spending time with you. But you seriously need to stop walking into my bedroom in the middle of the night and standing next to my bed, staring me down as I sleep. What are you thinking in your little head as you watch me sleep peacefully? Never mind, I don't want to know. Just please stop doing it...it's creeping me out.

Dear Pharmacy Tech guy at Kaiser, I seriously wanted to die right there on the spot today when you handed me my refill of Wellbutrin and my son said, "Those are my mom's happy pills. She has to take them so she doesn't kill us with her bare hands". Thank goodness, you have a sense of humor. I wouldn't blame you, though, if you called Child Protective Services on me the minute I walked out the door.

Dear Pediatric Therapist, I appreciate you coming to my home to do an OT assessment on Garrett. You were cool and you seemed to know your stuff quite well. However, what you seem to lack knowledge about is that it's unprofessional and inappropriate to smack your gum noisily while meeting with a client. To make it worse, your heavy breathing reminded me of a 13-year old boy I made out with once at sleep-away camp. Let me suggest that you discontinue this bad habit, especially since it's obvious you don't know how to breathe and chew gum at the same time.

Dear Bella, thank you for always knowing when I need a good laugh. You cracked me up today when you asked, "Mommy, do you remember when we were singing Happy Birthday to Landon and he stuck his hand in the cake before we were done with the song?" I said, "Bella, how can you possibly remember that?! It was TWO years ago!" and you responded, "Because there was cake involved. That's the only reason I remember it." PS - You might want to work on clenching your butt cheeks when you sneeze. The fact that you fart almost every time you sneeze is actually quite adorable...however, it won't be so adorable in a few more years. Consider yourself informed.

Dear Cole, our cat will never have kittens. You just need to accept it already. When we adopted her 10 years ago, we got her fixed. No, I will not take her back to the vet to have her "unfixed". We are not getting any more animals...no kittens, no puppies, no goldfish, no turtles, no dinosaurs...end of discussion.

Dear Tim, when I bend over to empty the dishwasher, it is NOT a written invitation to come over and grope me. I mean, where's the respect? Geez, at least wait until the kids are out of the room. I know the experts say it's healthy for kids to see their parents being affectionate with one another but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is NOT exactly what they were referring to. Plus, I don't need the added headache of trying to explain to them why they need to respect other people's personal space but Daddy doesn't.

The WHOLE truth about what men really want in a marital partner...

I can't help it. I'm addicted to reality shows. One of them happens to be The Bachelor. I love to laugh when the girls start sobbing, as they're telling Jake their sad stories of love gone wrong...or how the other girls in the house are mistreating them ("They're all just jealous because I play the role of 'selfish bitch' so well".) Hey, I'm pure evil...what can I say?

But this past week's show left me laughing so hard that I might have peed in my pants. No, cancel that. I actually DID pee in my pants, but only a little bit...it's just one of those left-over perks from being pregnant with twins. I thank my kids every day for leaving me the gift that lasts forever.

So, getting back to The Bachelor, Jake went on several different dates with the women who are left. On those dates, he asked each girl what their expectations were of marriage and what they were looking for in a husband. In turn, they wanted to know what he was looking for in a lifelong partner.

What viewers were treated to were the typical boring answers most people give one another when asked these questions. You know, like honesty, loyalty and a love so passionate it will stand the test of time.

Excuse me while I puke.

Okay, I'm back. There's really nothing wrong with those answers except for the fact that not every single man is completely honest. Some of them tend to hold back the entire truth out of fear that it might scare off the potential lifetime partner...who's probably the one woman who is way out of his league.

Anyway, at one point during the show, Jake told one of the girls, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at". Oh geez, hold on a minute...yep, peed in my pants a little bit again.

Alright, so do you see the problem with that statement? He's not being entirely truthful. Any woman who has experience with men should know full well that a statement like that is complete bullshit.

What Jake meant to say was, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at....unless the neighbor across the street has a sweet Southern drawl, humongous double-D boobs, and a tight ass, to boot. Then all bets are off."

Here are some more examples of what some men say they want in a potential marital partner and what they should say, IF they're being completely honest.

"I want open communication....unless we don't agree on something. Then it's my way or the highway."

"I'm looking for honesty in a partner....unless, of course, she doesn't like my best friend. Then she should just keep her mouth shut. And she should never make me choose between her or the best friend because she won't like the answer."

"I will always be faithful....unless she's been denying me sex and the perfect opportunity presents itself, more than likely, on a conveniently-timed business trip."

"I want someone who shares my religious beliefs....you know, we both believe that I am God."

"I want my wife to be my best friend...unless, of course, she starts interfering with my Wednesday night drunk-fests at the strip club with my other best friend, Mike."

"Inner beauty is what's most important...unless she gains 500 pounds or suddenly needs to borrow my razor to shave off the little stray hairs sprouting from her chin."

"I want to marry someone who loves to travel...the 3000-mile trip across the country to visit mummy at every holiday, including the 4th of July and Mother's Day, of course."

"I want a woman who is open-minded and not afraid to share her true feelings...and doesn't mind if I sob laboriously on her shoulder every time we watch Steel Magnolias or Tears of Endearment."

"I'm looking for a partner who can laugh at the little things in life....unless it's my 3-inch penis, which tends to bend a little too much to the left, that she finds so humorous."

"I want to marry a girl who has a big heart...and big boobs. However, a girl who has a big ass is unacceptable. No can do."

"I'm looking for someone who shares my love of children...and won't mind raising my demon spawn virtually on her own while I go off to work all week and then go play golf with my buddies on the weekend."

"I want a partner who's kind, polite and has good manners...but she shouldn't expect the same from me because I am a man, after all, and burping and farting are the highlights of my day. And I prefer a partner who will clap and cheer when I finally accomplish the abstract art of burping the entire alphabet."

I think it’s safe to say we have a few problems around here….

Problem 1: The balloon. Oh, good Lord, the freakin’ balloon. Garrett and Landon each got one from the dentist last week. One popped in the car on the way home…it’s so Murphy’s law, am I right? Two kids, one balloon….World War IV breaks out. Or is it World War V? I never really paid attention in History class, obviously?

Eventually one of the kids pulled the string off the balloon and let it go…where it floated up, up and away to the top of our vaulted ceiling.

At first, they lost track of where it went…only to discover it an hour later when they were hanging out in the loft. In the picture below, you can get a better idea of what I’m talking about.

I especially love that Bella’s hand is outstretched towards the balloon, as if summoning it with her hand will bring it back suddenly in her direction. But I can’t blame her for thinking that might have worked, being that when she screams “Jump”, her little brothers yell back, “How high?” with fear in their trembling little voices.



Problem 2: Well, this isn’t more of a problem, but more of a phase. At least I hope it’s just a phase…I cannot keep the boy away from his sister’s clothes. Is it possible for a 2-year old to be considered a drag queen?



Problem 3: Before I was a mother, a co-worker friend of mine laughed hysterically when I informed him that never in a million years would I ever pinch off a snot bubble protruding from my child’s nose nor would I ever do the sniff test….you know, where you bend down and smell your child’s butt to see if he/she is in need of a diaper change.

Now I can see why he thought it was so funny because 5 years later, I smell butts every hour on the hour around here. It’s second nature to me, as I blurt out to my kids, “Hey, come here…let me smell your butt”.

I honestly thought it was no big deal until I saw this….



Yes, that is Garrett standing behind his father, sniffing his butt. This happened after an ominous foul odor filled the air and, when asked, Tim quickly denied that he was the one responsible for it.

Garrett said, “Me find out who did it!” and he walked up behind Tim and did the sniff test. Then he backed away and said, “Nope, it wasn’t Daddy. Landon, come here…let me smell YOUR butt”.

We thought it was funny….at the time. Now, I’m just holding my breath waiting for that moment where he walks up to a total stranger in the mall and grabs them from behind and says, “Let me smell your butt”. It’ll happen, I just know it will.

Problem 4: The picture below is what I call a moment of desperation. Every parent has one…don’t deny it for a second. I just wanted some peace and quiet so I could get breakfast cooked and served. Is that so wrong?



Memorable conversation of the day:

Me (to Cole and Bella): How come you do whatever Mrs. Helms asks you to do but you don’t do what I ask you to do?

Cole: Because our brains tell us to listen to her, not you.

Me: Yeah…real nice.

Cole: Well, I don’t make the rules…my brain does.

Me (to Tim): Why are they such smart-asses?!

Tim (smiling like the cat who ate the canary): I don’t know, sweetie. Why do YOU think they are? Aren't you the one always telling me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

Believe it or not, there were some positive moments this week…

Okay, people…it’s been a rough week. If you’ve kept up with me this week, you already know the gist of it. I’m barely hanging by a thread here, waiting for the weekend. Oh, and no we never did find the lizard so I suppose I have to accept that Garrett ingested it, just like he said he did.

As we head into the weekend, I need to check my attitude and focus on the POSITIVE things that happened this past week….believe it or not, there were some good moments.

One of my newest favorite bloggers, The Girl Next Door Grows Up, has started a meme called “Feel Good Friday”. She provides several different writing prompts to choose from. This is the one I chose…

Just make a list. List 5 things that made you really happy this week. No matter how bad or boring you think your week was, I bet you can find 5 things.

So here are 5 things that made me happy this week:

1) My pillow….how I adore my pillow. I confess that I’ve been having a passionate love affair with it. My reasons are simple…it doesn’t talk back, it provides plenty of unconditional love and it does not expect one little thing from me (with the exception of being washed on a weekly basis).



2) Spending the afternoon making chocolate lollipops with the kiddos. I thought it would be stressful but we actually had a blast! Chocolate always turns a frown upside down, doesn’t it?



3) We found our DREAM home and made an offer on it! It’s almost twice the size of the house we live in now and the backyard is huge. This house literally fell in our laps since we weren’t actively looking. The agent has already received a ton of offers on it so there’s a good chance we won’t get it but we had to at least try. We’ll know by next week whether or not our offer has been accepted…crossing our fingers and saying our prayers.

4) I love when I make a dinner that the entire family truly enjoys. It’s hit or miss with them since they’re all such picky eaters. I made a lasagna last night and almost half of it was gone by the time dinner was over. And Tim, who isn’t a huge fan of lasagna, said, “It was actually pretty good”.

4) It was that time of year again….parent-teacher conferences. The teacher said nothing but positive things about the kids, thankfully. She did mention that Bella is a bit of a chatterbox, though that didn’t surprise me. Academically, they’re both on target. Socially…well, that’s another story. Let me just say they are probably two of the youngest kids in their class.

5) Garrett and Landon had their first dentist appointment, which I fully expected to be a nightmare. Initially, they both fought over who was going to go first and then it was decided by the dentist that the oldest would go first….Garrett. He gave a pretty good fight but then once he was promised a balloon, he chilled out a bit. I was happy to learn that neither of them have any cavities or signs of tooth decay.

I’m a bit behind on my blog reading and commenting. I’ve also kinda lost my mojo this week, as far as humor goes. I hope to be back on my game by this weekend! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

If you want to write about what made you feel good this week, head over to The Girl Next Door Grows Up and link up with the rest of us!

The 3 words a parent never wants to hear....

It finally happened. I knew it would but I didn't expect it to happen at this point in time...not while my kids are still so young. It's like a rite of passage in childhood, or at least the teenage years.

Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about yet, do you? I'm referring to those 3 little words that hurt so badly it feels like someone took a knife and dug it deep into your heart.

"I hate you"

My 5-year old son said those 3 words to me. Actually, he screamed them as loud as he could to make sure I heard him...and he emphasized the word "hate".

Why? What would cause him to shriek those ugly, hurtful words? You might be thinking I did something completely horrible, like take away his favorite toy or tell him he couldn't go to a playdate with friends.

You would be wrong. When I asked what the kids wanted for breakfast, he ignored me. I knew he could hear me, yet he pretended not to. Bella said she wanted a bagel and it happened to be the last one. When he came to the table and saw a waffle on his plate, he freaked out.

"I want a bagel", he yelled. "Well, then you should've answered me when I asked you what you wanted. Bella called the bagel first and it's the last one. So you get a waffle", I explained.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and began to cry. Becoming irritated with him, I said, "Look, you have to leave for school in 15 minutes. So you either eat the waffle or go to school hungry". Then, after giving it some more thought, I added, "If you ask Bella nicely, maybe she'd be willing to split her bagel with you".

But he was far too past the "being nice" stage and he hollered, "Bella, give me half of your bagel". She shook her head no and protected her bagel with her hands. Can't say I blamed her.

He stood in the kitchen, with his arms crossed and his face as red as Santa Claus' suit, shouting, "I want a waffle". I ignored him.

He bellowed, "I don't like you anymore, Mommy". I shrugged my shoulders and said, "You don't have to like me", trying to sound calm.

That's when Cole did it....he pulled a Plan B on me. "I HATE YOU", he screamed. My entire body shuddered at the sound of those words.

My mind raced...what do I do? Do I ignore him? Or let him know how much he's hurt me with his words?

I went with the "never let them see you sweat" theory and responded, "Well, that's unfortunate since I happen to LOVE you".

He continued to stare me down. I wondered if I had handled the situation correctly. The one thing I knew with certainty was that my heart ached and, while I wanted to cry, I kept a stiff upper lip.

I didn't want him to go off to school, with those being the last words he had said to me. I'm one of those morbid people who always thinks, "What if this is the last time I see my kids?" Isn't that horrible? But we all know life is short and I never want to be one of those people who spends the rest of her life living with regret.

As Tim called for Cole to go outside and get in the car to head to school, I asked him for a hug and he obliged, saying, "I don't hate you, Mommy. But I really wanted a bagel".

I told him, "I know you don't hate me but hearing those words come out of your mouth made me really sad".

He said, "Okay, let's make a deal. I won't say I hate you anymore and you always make sure we have bagels to eat for breakfast".

Well, that was easy, though I'm still not sure I handled the situation correctly. And while I hope this was the last time I'll ever hear those 3 dreaded words, I have a feeling that won't be the case.

After all, we are talking about MY kids, who have a tendency to be just a tad bit overly dramatic. I have absolutely no clue where they get that personality trait from.

Memorable conversation of the day:

Bella: When are we gonna get a talking unicorn?
Me: Uh….probably never.
Bella: Probably because they live far away from here, right?
Me: Where do they live?
Bella: In New York
Me: New York? Where did you come up with THAT?
Cole: No, not in New York.
Bella: Then where do they live?
Cole: They live in South America with the flying monkeys.
Bella: Yeah, you’re probably right. I forgot about the flying monkeys.
Cole: The flying monkeys ALWAYS live with the talking unicorns.
Me: Am I dreaming or is this conversation REALLY happening?

What’s grosser than gross?

Well, that’s an easy answer….my kids! Just when I think they couldn’t possibly get any grosser than they already are, they prove me wrong. Apparently, there is no end to what they will do to cause me to want to hurl the contents of stomach all over the kitchen floor.

On one of the days when I was lucky enough to convince Landon and Garrett to take a nap, Cole and Bella were sitting with me at the kitchen table coloring. The cat came up to the glass sliding door and wanted to come in. As I let her in, I saw what looked like a dead, stiff lizard on the ground.

Instinctively, I let out a gagging sound and immediately the kids came running over to see.

Cole yelled, “Cool…a lizard!” And Bella surprised me when she said, “Can we bring it inside and look at it?”

“No!! No way is that disgusting creature coming inside this house!” I said, with my arms firmly crossed in front of my chest.

“Aw, come on, Mommy! It’s dead so it’s okay”, they said, trying to convince me. “Dead or not, it’s loaded with germs and diseases….you’ll get warts if you touch it…your skin will get all shriveled up and crack…”, I responded.

They stood there, shaking their heads in disbelief. “We’ll be really careful…come on, we just want to look at it”.

Surrenduring, I said, “Fine…but you have to put on latex gloves first! And let’s be clear…I am not coming within 5 feet of it”.



After Cole and Bella put on the gloves, they examined the lizard with their magnifying glass, intent on studying every little crack and crevice on him. I tried not to puke every time they touched it.

Cole said, “I’m gonna bring him with me tomorrow for share day”. I said, “I don’t think your teacher would like that.” He responded, “Yeah, she will…she said we could bring anything we want and I want to bring this lizard”. Fine…whatever. Bring the stinkin’ lizard to class.



After a few minutes of watching them handle it (which included smelling it….don’t even ask because I don’t get it either), I finally said, “Okay, seriously….put that lizard somewhere where I don’t have to see him. It’s creeping me out.”

Soon enough, Garrett and Landon woke up. We had plans to go to a friend’s house for a playdate so I began packing up the diaper bag.

That’s when I noticed it. The lizard was gone. I asked Cole, “Did you put him in your backpack for share day?” He shook his head no.

The very thought of that THING suddenly springing back to life and hiding somewhere, like in my bed, made me want to run out of the house screaming.

I yelled, “WHERE. IS. THE. LIZARD?” But they all just stared at one another, completely clueless. “Well?” I asked, with my hands on my hips, as if that would make me seem like I had more authority.

No one would fess up so I grabbed the camera and said, “I’m getting this on video and showing it to Daddy so he’ll see what I have to put up with day after day while he’s off at work having the time of his life!”

Then Landon, never one to turn down an opportunity to take the heat off of himself, pointed to Garrett. And that’s when things got a little more dicey, as always when MY kids are involved.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We never did find the lizard so all I can do is assume Garrett was telling the truth. What did I tell you….grosser than gross.