Memo to the bosses....

July 16, 2009

M E M O R A N D U M

To: My employers -
Cole, CEO of Crying For No Reason
Bella, President of Being Extremely Sensitive and Emotional
Garrett, Vice President of Being Overly Demanding
Landon, Director of All Things Smelly

From: Your dedicated, hard-working employee (aka - Mommy)

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First, let me start this memo off by saying how wonderful it has been working for you all. When I was hired for the position of "Mother", I truly underestimated just how fulfilling and rewarding it would be. Each day is full of new adventures, among other things (yeah, let's just leave it at that, shall we?).

There are some things I've been wanting to address with you and I feel now is as good a time as any. I mean, it's not like you all could fire me.....right?

1) My hours: When I was initially hired, I understood the position called for 24-hour shifts. I had no problem with that. It was a new job for me...one that I had never done before and I welcomed the hours with open arms. However, over time, I feel like you all have been taking advantage of me. You never mentioned that the 24-hour shifts would be never-ending. I'm being paged at odd hours almost every single night (like 3:15 am) and I'm expected to work overtime quite frequently (although is there such a thing as overtime when I'm working never ending 24-hr shifts?)

I am proposing a change in my hours (don't you love how I make it sound as if it's your decision but we all know it's really not). I would appreciate not being expected to clock in any earlier than 7:00 am and I'd like to complete my work day by at least 8:00 pm, if not earlier. I'd also like to only be on-call at night for emergencies only, like when you have a nightmare in the middle of the night or if you wet your bed.....emergencies that do not constitute paging me: you have a booger in your nose that's not quite within your reach or because you're scared that your eyelashes are going to disappear if you close your eyes for too long. I haven't decided if "my butt itches" is considered an emergency....I suppose it depends on WHY your butt itches but, chances are, it's something that can wait until the next morning.

2) My benefits: This falls right in line with my hours (see above). I would like to be able to take personal days here and there, as needed. Of course, I would give you advance notice so you could find a temporary replacement (might I suggest your father, who is perfectly capable of filling in for me). Oh, and you are no longer allowed to cry, whine and scream to me "Mommy, I want you...." as I'm running out the door. Guilt trips will no longer be acceptable. I also would appreciate regular 15-minute meal breaks and 5-minute potty breaks for every 2 hours that I work. I think that's very reasonable. Furthermore, I will be taking sick days, as needed. Nothing excessive but if I should come down with a blinding migraine (that, chances are, you all caused...and I say that with all due respect of course), I'd like to know that I won't have the added pressure of having to work that day. Again, your father is a willing and able substitute in my absence (he may not be aware that he's willing and able but, trust me, he is).

Even though this is not a paid position, it would be nice every once in awhile to receive a gift certificate from you for a massage or a mani/pedi (just to show your appreciation of all my hard work).

3) My job responsibilities: While my job responsibilities were never really clearly discussed in detail, I did have an idea of what the position would entail. With that said, as time has gone by, I've taken on so many more responsibilities that have left me feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not able to give my full attention and devotion to other aspects of my job because I just have so much on my plate on a daily basis.

The following is a list of jobs I will no longer be doing:

• wiping the butts of those of you who are potty trained
• running around like a chicken with my head cut off at meal times fetching "this and that" for you all that I never get a chance to sit down myself and eat
• providing constant and never-ending entertainment
• cleaning up the toys that you take out but never seem to put away (I'm not buying the whole, "But I don't know how to put it away" excuse anymore)
• no longer responsible for scissor mishaps....you cut your own hair, it's your problem; oh, and no longer protecting any of you from chopping off your own fingers....one less finger means less nose-picking, which you already know annoys the hell out of me
• breaking up fights 24 hours a day (one can only say "use your words" and "we don't hit" so many times a day before she is deemed legally insane)
• warming your milk twice a day in the microwave (man-up already....from what I know, cold milk has never killed anyone)
• fighting with you all to brush your teeth twice a day (if your teeth rot and fall out, you'll just have to drink all your food through a straw).

4) My right to privacy: Now this is something I feel very strongly about and I feel that it's gone on for way too long. I am now requiring total and complete privacy when I'm in the bathroom (that includes going potty, taking a shower, getting dressed, etc). The harrassment that I'm subjected to on a daily basis is just inappropriate and downright rude. No employee should ever have to sit there while the bosses ogle her and scream out, "Look at her boobies", while each of you take turns trying to grab said boobies. Last time I checked I was no longer required to fulfill the job responsibility of breast feeding.

From now on, you are no longer allowed to enter the bathroom when I'm in it (including sticking your hands under the door and yelling, "how many fingers can you see now?" over and over until I scream "leave me alone please", banging on the door repeatedly with the hopes that I will eventually cave and let you in, and beating each other up outside the door with the expectation that I will be able to hold my pee long enough to break up the fight).

Lastly, I would like to thank you for the wonderful learning opportunity you have provided me with. While I'm sometimes guilty of making mistakes and not performing tasks to the best of my abilities, I appreciate that you all have continued to encourage me with your never-ending smiles, hugs and kisses.

Someday, I hope to be promoted to the coveted position of "grandmother".

It's not every day you find THIS in your backyard....

Last Thursday, I walked out to the side of our house, where our fabulous veggie garden is continuing to blossom, to grab the hose to water the veggies. As I was about to open the gate to our backyard, I looked down and saw this....

I stooped down and looked closer and....holy crap....it was a turtle. Not just some little tiny turtle either. This turtle was a good size...he was just sitting there, hanging out in the warm morning sun. Cole ran out to the backyard to help me water the garden and I said, "Hey, can you go back inside and grab my camera?" and, much to my shock, he actually did. He came back out, camera in hand, and said, "What are you taking a picture of?" and I pointed to the turtle and said, "That...."

I opened up the gate, thinking the turtle (if it was smart) would hide in his shell or walk the other way. But no....as soon as the gate was open, he booked it right in to our backyard.


By now, Bella had come out into the backyard and they both stared at the turtle in complete amazement. Cole screamed, "Can we keep him?" and Bella said, "Let's get rid of the hermit crabs so we can keep the turtle....". Nice. I bet they'd kick me to the curb just as quickly if they thought there was a chance that the Tooth Fairy could be their new mother.

I called around to various animal shelters to see if anyone had reported a missing turtle but had no luck there. I finally called the local Wild Life Society and I got a biologist who laughed at me for at least a minute when I said, "Hi there, I found this turtle in my backyard and I don't know what to do....".

Then he started to talk about the proper care of a turtle, what to feed it, how to handle it properly and I interrupted him and said, "Oh NO....you think I'm gonna keep this turtle?? No, I need to know where to take him....I have no intention of keeping him".

Cole was clinging to me and crying, "Can't we please keep him?". The biologist dude asked me to look at the turtle's feet and if they were webbed that meant he was a turtle who lived in water. Okay, cool....the little guy has webbed feet. Mystery solved.

The biologist said, "If you live near some water, just take him there and release him...". Fine with me...but now I had to break the news to the kids who were practically kissing the turtle and trying to figure out a name for him.

They had lovingly placed him on a cement block in the hopes that that would keep him from wandering away. But he was a turtle on a mission....he stared at them, as if he were saying, "Ha, I laugh at you....now, be gone" and he crawled off the block and headed towards the grass again.

I grabbed a huge diaper box that we had in the garage and Cole managed to coerce the turtle into the box. I think I might have actually heard the turtle mutter, "Oh shit...."

I explained to the kids that we had to return the turtle to his home....Bella was cool with it but Cole began sobbing. "Why can't we keep him?", he cried. I said, "Because he's not ours to keep...his family is probably sad because he's lost so we need to return him to them, where he belongs".

He continued to cry....then I said, "Look, if you were lost, wouldn't you want someone to return you to us". He didn't say anything. I think he might have actually been thinking about it. I'm surprised he didn't say, "Well, if they gave me ice cream for dinner and let me stay up all night, I'd probably want to stay with them".

I used all kinds of excuses why we could NOT keep the turtle:

-- Daddy is allergic to them
-- Turtles eat eyeballs...and little kids
-- The turtle would probably pee in their beds
-- The turtle would eat all the Apple Jacks and not leave any for them
-- Turtles can turn themselves into snakes anytime they want to, mostly at night when they creep around looking for things to eat, like eyeballs and little kids

Still....he was insisting he wanted to keep this turtle. I finally had to put my foot down and say, "We are NOT keeping him....he needs to return home, with his family". And with that, we all got out of the mini-van and Cole carried the box over to the rocks. I said, "Okay, put the box down and let him walk out on his own...he'll know exactly where to go".

With much reluctance and tears, Cole placed the box on the ground and the turtle crawled out and headed towards the rocks....(click on the arrow at the bottom of each picture to see what the turtle has to say...)











We watched the water for a few more minutes and the turtle returned 3 more times....to come up for air. I convinced Cole he was coming up to say goodbye and thank the kids for returning him to his home.

On the drive home, Cole cried and cried..."Can we come back and visit him later?" and I said, "No, he has a busy day ahead of him....first, he'll have to attend a news conference where he'll be interviewed about his adventure, then he'll be taken to reunite with his family....and then they're gonna have a huge party to celebrate his return. We'll come back and visit him another time, maybe next week".

Once we returned home, I held Cole on the sofa while he continued to sob as if there were no tomorrow...."I'm so sad...I wanted to keep him....I'm worried about him...I wonder if he misses me....I'm soooooo sad". I continued to comfort him the best I could and I looked to Bella to comfort him as well. I was hoping she'd give him a hug or say, "Cole, it'll be okay...".

She rolled her eyes, patted Cole on the back and then said, "Mommy, when's Christmas gonna be here?" Such a loving twin sister, yet so unconcerned...

Have you been to the "happiest place on earth"?

The first time we took Cole and Bella to Disneyland, they were 13 months old. We dragged my mom, stepdad and brother with us because we weren't sure how well the kids would handle it, being so young...would they be overwhelmed? Or would they be completely in awe with all the magic of Disney, just as I was when I was a young child?

Well, they are MY kids, afterall, so they fell in love with Disney! We've been back every year since then and each time it just gets better and better for us.

This past year, in fact, I'd have to say was the BEST year so far. They had just turned 4 years old and they were well aware of all things Disney....the movies, the characters, the princesses, the rides....that's all they talked about the whole drive down there.
When we had lunch with Ariel the Mermaid, along with some of the other princesses, met Mickey and Minnie Mouse in person and watched Tinkerbell sit upon a float at the parade, Cole and Bella were the happiest I've ever seen them. We have yet to take Garrett and Landon with us but we plan to do that the next time we go and I can hardly wait to see their faces light up, just as Cole and Bella's did on their first visit to Disney.

Of course, one can't visit Disneyland or Disney World without wondering how it all started. Most everyone knows that Walt Disney (pictured to the left) was the brains behind it all. As a teenager, Disney worked on his school's newspaper as a cartoonist. He soon dropped out of high school and, within time, found himself eventually creating ads for newspapers, magazines and theaters. While working for a film company, Disney discovered an appreciation for animation and decided to pursue that as his career.

As he became better known in the community for his cartoons, Disney was able to acquire his own studio but soon it would become bankrupt and he would have to start from scratch all over again. It was then that he and his brother pooled their money together and started a cartoon company in Hollywood, CA. They had much success with their Alice Comedies and Oswald the Lucky Rabbit series but unfortunately that too ended in misfortune and Disney found himself on his own yet again.

This is when Disney created the character we now know as Mickey Mouse, which was based on a pet mouse Disney had owned while working in a Kansas studio at one time. Originally, Mickey Mouse was named "Mortimer" but Disney's wife didn't feel like that name suited the character very well and, thus, the mouse was renamed Mickey. What many people do not know is that Disney was the voice and personality of Mickey Mouse for years. Many of the movies that Disney produced starring Mickey Mouse became instant hits and eventually Walt Disney signed a new distribution deal with Columbia Pictures.

In 1932, Disney won a special Academy Award for the creation of Mickey Mouse. Soon after, he created the characters of Goofy, Donald Duck and Pluto. Donald Duck became the 2nd most successful character of all time created by Disney.

After much success with many other films, he built a new campus for the Walt Disney Studios in Burbank, CA in 1939. In the meantime, movies such as Snow White, Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan would bring him even more success.

In the late 1940's, he began drawing up plans for Disneyland in Anaheim, CA and that became his main focus, while his studio continued to expand its other entertainment operations. Disneyland, one of the world's first theme parks, officially opened on July 17, 1955. His dream of creating an amusement park that "looked like nothing else in the world" had finally come true.

Disney went on to start making plans for an even more elaborate theme park which would be located in Orlando, FL. When he died in 1966, his brother, Roy, came out of retirement and took full control of Walt Disney Productions and he continued to oversee the development and building of the theme park. In 1967, Roy Disney and the rest of the Disney family officially opened the park, which would be called Walt Disney World in honor of the late Walt Disney. Epcot was the second phase to be designed and it was added in 1982.

While he is mostly known for his creation of the Walt Disney Resorts, in his lifetime, Disney received 59 Academy Award nominations and won 26 Oscars, including a record 4 in one year, giving him more awards and nominations than any other individual. He also won 7 Emmy Awards.

Today, the Walt Disney Company owns, among other assets, 5 vacation resorts, 11 theme parks, 2 water parks, 39 hotels, 8 motion picture studios, 6 record labels, 11 cable television networks, and 1 terrestrial television network. In 2007, the company had an annual revenue of over U.S. $35 billion....not bad for a man who originally began his career as a cartoonist for his school's newspaper.

Like many other families, Disneyland will continue to be an annual vacation spot for our family. No matter where else we have gone on vacation, Disneyland continues to be our most favorite place. We always stay at the Candy Cane Inn , which I highly recommend. It's literally a 5-minute walk to Disneyland and the hotel itself is clean and kid-friendly. For those families who plan to visit Disney World in Orlando, check out these Orlando vacation rentals. You can find some great deals there.

Every once in awhile, I'll stumble across someone who has never been to either Disneyland or Disney World. What?! Never been to Disney?? I mean, it IS the "happiest place on earth"....where dreams come true. I always say, "Well, what are you waiting for??? GO....you have to visit there at least once in your lifetime!!"

So tell me....have you been to either Disneyland or Disney World? How often? If you have children, have you taken them yet? If you've never been to either theme park, do you plan to go at some point?

The perfect midnight snack?

I complained to Tim tonight that there was nothing "good" to snack on in our house. He said, "Well, what do you want?" and I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know....I just want something good....something that will just melt the stress away".

I went into the laundry room to throw some of the kids' clothes in the washer and this is what I found on the kitchen counter when I came out....


He smiled and said, "Knock yourself out....." I guess he meant that literally.

Don't ever take your kids to Petsmart just to kill time....

Is it a beautifully painted rock?? Or perhaps just an oddly-shaped marshmallow randomly laying on my kitchen floor? You know, anything IS possible when it comes to my children.

Oh wait, I think it has legs....


Well, would you look at that?? It's a hermit crab....oh wait, let me do a proper introduction...it's Spider Crab (who, ironically, looks more like a freakish spider than a hermit crab)! I think it's safe to say that every last ounce of sanity I had left has vanished in a puff of smoke.

And this hermit crab came with friends....certainly SpongeBob Square Crab needs no introduction. Their little buddy Scaredy Crab isn't pictured because he dug himself deep into the sand in their cage....and no way was I going to dig him out. Besides the fact that he's obviously a very intelligent creature, as opposed to the other two crabs who were stupid enough to subject themselves to the dangers that lurk in our home....more specifically, my children.

I took the kids to Petsmart last week just to kill some time and we walked out with 3 hermit crabs and $80 worth of "crap for the crabs".

Let me just say, though, that hermit crabs actually aren't bad pets for young children.

The kids have been very entertained watching these ugly little creatures creep and crawl around. They've enjoyed tossing pineapple, crackers and chicken in the cage for them to eat....yes, these are quite possibly the world's best fed hermit crabs. They've loved misting the hermit crabs with water....and the hermit crabs really seem to like it too, wierdly enough. Lord knows anything that is brave enough to stand still as my kids approach it with a spray bottle has to be deemed a "good pet".....either that or the crabs just have super bad eyesight.

However, I will warn you....never ever watch a hermit crab change shells. It will traumatize you for life.

Oh, and never let your kids call the grandparents and yell into the phone, "Guess what we got today?! CRABS!!!". This will only confuse the grandparents, who will quickly assume the kids are referring to the "genital-friendly crabs". As if they never heard of crabs as pets? Please... come on, now....

"Mommy, is a road trip fun?"...."Well, now, that depends on your definition of fun"

One thing to know about me is that I'm not a very spontaneous person. I have no problem admitting that I'm a total type-A, must-have-everything-planned-down-to-the-second kinda person. I've always been this way.

However, on Friday morning, Tim and I got up with the kids and decided "hey, let's take a road trip somewhere". Just like that....out of the blue. So totally NOT me. Where would we go? Tim said, "How about the beach?" and the kids went nuts...."Yeah, we want to go to the beach!!". Okay, problem is we don't live anywhere near a beach.

Tim suggested we drive to Santa Cruz, which is 3 hours away. I laughed....and I laughed....and then I laughed some more. I said, "Oh, were you serious??" and he said, "Yeah, I'm serious....why not?". I replied, "You want to know why NOT? I'll give you FOUR reasons...." and I pointed at the kids.

I couldn't believe that he wanted to pack up the kids and drive 3 hours just to go to the beach for the DAY. I wouldn't have minded making a weekend out of it but that would take some planning....hotel reservations, luggage, some research on the best beach to visit with kids.....oh, and a huge refill on my Wellbutrin prescription. Not to mention it was already 10:30 am....on a holiday weekend.

Tim started gathering the beach towels, the kids' bathing suits and I said, "Uh, so we're really doing this? A road trip with the kids? A THREE-HOUR long road trip with two 2-yr olds and two 4 yr olds???!!!" He looked at me and said, "Yes". Bella asked me, "Mommy, is a road trip fun?" and I answered her, "Well, that depends on your definition of fun". With that, I quickly excused myself and retreated to the laundry room, where I spent a good 5 minutes having a one-sided conversation with God that went something like this....

"Hey God, it's me....yes, again....for the 6th time in the last 24 hours. So you probably know that Tim wants to go on a road trip and I'm just asking you to bestow upon me all the patience and strength you can possibly spare a person. I know, I know....I'm always asking for patience and strength and I have this bad habit of always making it sound like a do-or-die situation. I'm a drama queen this way but you already know that. Okay, so I'm just gonna sit here and wait for an infinite amount of calmness to take me over....thanks in advance. And in case I haven't mentioned it in awhile....you totally rock!"

A whole 2 minutes later, I felt calm....I felt serene....I felt like I could take on the world. Alright, perhaps that's overstating it....a lot. At any rate, I felt like I could do this without completely falling apart (and without hyperventilating as we got the kids locked into their carseats). And because I'm such a planner, I knew we'd be on the road during lunchtime and God forbid my kids go hungry so I quickly threw together some PB&J sandwiches and some snacks in a cooler.

Tim announced that we were ready to go. I asked, "Did you pack a blanket for the beach? What about baby powder to help get the sand off the kids?" and he met my eyes with a blank stare. I just shook my head and said, "Gosh, you have NO beach etiquette, do you?". Having grown up in South Florida, my parents took us to the beach almost every Sunday so if anyone knows how to pack for a trip to the beach, it's me (and every other person who's ever gone to the beach more than 5 times in their life).

Finally, we were all packed up and ready to go....I failed to hear the nicely-packed cooler still sitting on the kitchen counter screaming out, "Hey...what about ME? Aren't I going too?". As we pulled into the gas station, I looked around the mini-van and said to Tim, "Are you sure we have everything?" and he rolled his eyes and said, "YES....oh wait, where's the cooler?". We had the "I thought you grabbed it" conversation as we realized we had left the house without it.

As we pulled up to the house, I said to the kids, "So how did you like the road trip? Wasn't that fun?" and Cole looked confused and said, "What?! We didn't go anywhere". It boggles my mind that MY kids don't have a sense of humor...now how did that happen?

At some point, and I'm not sure why, I found myself saying, "Well, it's already 11:30....if we're gonna drive 3 hours, maybe we should just stay the night". Tim said, "Yeah, that makes sense" so we quickly gathered some things we'd need to stay the night. I couldn't believe this was ME....being spontaneous, throwing caution to the wind....for a minute, I considered taking off my bra and really throwing caution to the wind but I stopped myself there because I figured the world wasn't ready to witness the two fried eggs hanging by nails on my chest my boobs flopping about....well, that and I didn't want to embarass Tim.

By now, the kids were starting to lose control....and we hadn't even left our driveway yet. But we set out on our adventure of a road trip anyway. For part of the ride, the kids watched a DVD....for the other part of the ride, they were determined to see how far they could go before I opened the car door and threw myself into oncoming traffic. I distracted them by pointing out cows, encouraging them to wave to other people in their cars (those of whom were also crazy enough to set out on a road trip with their children), yelling "hey, check out that huge truck" everytime I saw anything resembling a truck....and every 20 minutes, Cole would ask, "Are we there yet?".

In the meantime, when the kids were actually distracted by something, I was calling around to various hotels to see if they had any rooms available. Unfortunately, those that did still have rooms were charging an arm and a leg because, after all, it was the 4th of July weekend. We decided to just make a day of it and then leave later that night. Also, at some point, as we were driving we changed our destination and decided to go to Monterey (which is an extra 30 minutes further down the coast) instead of Santa Cruz. Spontaneous....yes. Insane....most definitely yes. I'll just add here that I had told the kids, "Only 20 more minutes and then we'll be there".....and then we sat in traffic for a good 45 minutes...because isn't that typically how things go? As the kids accused me of being the world's biggest liar, I drowned out their whining by losing myself in "Off the Wall" by Michael Jackson on my iPod...."gotta leave that 9-to-5 up on the shelf...and just enjoy yourself....come on, groove...yeah".

At last, we ended up driving into downtown Monterey, only to realize that we had passed the beach we actually wanted to go to. By now, the kids were practically clawing their way out of their carseats. Landon was crying, "Out....out". Garrett was laughing hysterically at nothing in particular, just completely out of touch with reality. Cole and Bella were yelling and slapping each other. Tim finally yelled, "Everyone....SHUT-UP". Cole started to protest, "Daddy, you said a bad...." and he stopped right there, knowing that now was not the best time to point out that Daddy had said an inappropriate word.

We finally arrived at the right beach and managed to find a great parking spot....we dragged the kids and all our crap with us as we found an awesome spot on the sand, in front of the waves rolling in. The kids immediately wanted to get in the water....they were without fear.

Yet, I was having panic attacks every time a wave would come crashing to shore, knocking them down in the process and threatening to drag my beloved children out into the open sea. Even though they were shivering, they insisted on staying in the water....laughing each time a wave would come barreling towards them.

We stayed for about 2 hours and then we had had enough. It was starting to get super cold and the kids were getting hungry so we packed up and headed back up the beach to a spot where we could change the kids back into their clothes. An older couple happened to be sitting near us as we wrangled the kids and we got into the "oh, you have TWO sets of twins? What are the chances of that happening? Isn't that rare? What do you think of the Gosselin's getting a divorce?" conversation with them.

We ate dinner at one of my favorite restaurants....well, we attempted to eat dinner. One minute, Tim had a huge prime rib on his plate and then the next minute, it was gone. I said, "What happened to your prime rib?" and he pointed to his stomach and said, "I ate it". I looked astonished, "Really? You must have swallowed it whole...was it good?" and he shrugged and said, "I don't know....I guess....I don't remember actually tasting it".

As we left (while Tim signed the receipt and left our very much relieved waiter the biggest tip ever), I apologized to the couple sitting next to us who, for some odd reason, seemed completely unaffected by all the noise and chaos our kids had created. The wife said, "Oh, don't worry about it....we totally get it. We left our kids home with the grandparents" and the husband said, "I just tuned them out....they didn't bother me at all".

On our way back to the car, we stopped at a candy store...one of those stores that has barrels galore filled with every kind of candy one can imagine. All the kids picked out what they wanted except Cole. Instead of candy, he wanted a $20 stuffed shark. I told him "No, I'm not spending $20 on a shark that you'll just end up tearing to shreds....now pick out a couple pieces of candy and let's get going". He refused and started crying, "I want the shark....". As I stood at the register and paid for the candy that the other kids had picked out, he stood next to me sobbing,"Mommy, you're so mean....". A few people stopped what they were doing to stare at us, as one guy said, "Wait a minute....there's something wrong with this picture. You're telling him he can have any candy he wants and he's crying??". I said, "Yeah, I'm SO mean, aren't I?" The other people just shook their heads in disbelief...it's a rare opportunity to see a child crying in a candy store, while his mother is telling him he can pick out whatever candy he wants.

Cole cried all the way back to the mini-van. We changed the kids into their pajamas right there in the van, while they all joined in on the crying. People who were walking by were staring at us and some even had the audacity to giggle. I figured those people must not have children yet....and I found pleasure in the fact that their time would come. And when it did, those kids would rock their world ten times over....I felt a deep sense of satisfaction with that.

Within the first 3 minutes of the ride, the kids were asleep and Tim and I were actually able to have some conversations without being interrupted. The day had been a success, even with a few anxiety-provoking moments. I'm kinda digging my newfound spontaneity.....but, trust me, I'm in no hurry to do another road trip anytime soon.

Oh, those poor unsuspecting people.....

In true Blue Monkey Butt* fashion , it's time once again to list some of the google searches people do that bring them to my blog, those of whom are trying to find the answers to some of life's most important inquiries.....oh, those poor unsuspecting people.

* You MUST read this blog....I promise you won't be disappointed. But make sure you're close to a bathroom because you'll probably end up peeing in your pants from laughing....okay, well maybe that's just me....

1) lord i'm alone find me a husband and give me a set of twins: Well, see...that's your problem. You have no manners! You don't demand stuff from God...everyone knows that. However, if you turn that demand into a request and add "pretty please" to it, He may even throw in a house with a white picket fence and a basset hound.

2) sometimes your living: And sometime's you're not. It's really pretty simple. End of discussion. (BTW, it's YOU'RE, not YOUR)

3) i wish someone would hold me: So let me get this straight....you thought putting this statement out into the world wide web would find you a hot date? Whatever happened to "my roommate's boyfriend's cousin's best friend has an uncle who'd be perfect for you".....blind dates are so old school, I suppose.

4) pictures of women in bikini after "two sets of twins": Did you find one here? I certainly hope not. Playboy promised they would never publicize those pictures of me.

5) I feel like I'm never going to get through this year with the twins: Well, I apologize that Google sent you here to my blog when you were just looking for some encouragement and support. I guess they thought misery loves company.

6) as a parent i understand i need to be nice to my kids: Well, there is an alternative....does the name Joan Crawford ring a bell?

7) How to raise children so they won't need therapy: Excuse me for a minute so I can wipe off the grape juice that I just spit all over my computer screen while laughing my ass off.........okay, that's better. Now let me apologize that somehow you ended up on my blog thinking you'd find the answer to that question. OMG, here I go again....I can't stop laughing about this. Okay....okay....okay.....I'm calm now. Please promise me you'll come back here, though, and enlighten me when you find the answer to that intriguing question.

8) my man annoys me but excites me too - This was one of my biggest complaints about my 1st husband.....and we all know how that ended. My advice to you.....run away.....fast.....very very fast.

9) how to poop on the floor: I'll send my kids right over to show you....they're experts.

10) wellbutrin blah: Uh, no....wellbutrin, yum. Mr Cruise, are you being glib again?

11) it sucks to have no money: I'll agree with you on that. However, you might have better luck if you actually did a google search for "is McDonald's hiring?"

12) humorous reasons to have kids: I'm so flattered....Octo-mom has found my blog.

13) The Worst Mother in the World: Well, it's nice to meet you....I'm The Most Horrible Mother in the World. Maybe we should write a book together.

14) ask bossy infertile: Wow, this certainly is an unexpected honor....perhaps I should start a regular blog series with that title.

15) brother's nipples: I'm not sure how you stumbled upon my blog with that google search but I think you need therapy.

16) stories from women who took clomid and had multiples: Well, here's one for ya.....from the beginning....




















....THE END.