The top 10 things my kids will never hear me say....

1) School? Who needs school? Let's just stay home and eat bon-bons all day while we play Candyland and watch soap operas. If Pam Anderson and Lindsey Lohan can be successful after dropping out of school, then it's obvious all you'll need are fake tits and a really bad attitude to be successful in life.

2) Cheerios are so boring....here, have a nice, huge bowl of Frosted Flakes. And to show you how much I love you, I'm gonna put an extra teaspoon of sugar on it. No, that soup bowl simply isn't big enough. Go grab the big mixing bowl out of the cabinet. Oh and while you're up, grab yourself a soda (make sure it's not diet)...you'll need something to help wash down those Frosted Flakes. What's that? You want water. Water's for wussies.

3) Oh no, you go sit down and relax....you've had a rough day of crying, screaming, tantruming, and destroying the house (even though you had a 2-hr nap this afternoon). My sole purpose in life is to clean up after you.

4) Eat all your dessert and then you can have some spinach. Um, wait, you forgot that last small piece of cake....chew and swallow, chew and swallow....open your mouth and show me that it's all gone....okay, now you may have a plate of spinach.

5) I know how much you really want that expensive train set. We'll just skip paying the electricity bill this month. Mommy doesn't need electricity to cook...we can just BBQ all our food. I hear that BBQ'd eggs are the bomb. And my blowdryer is really just a material item of convenience...no biggie, as long as you're happy, my dear.

6) Who cares if your teacher said you can't spit on other people?! I'm your mother and I'm telling you that spitting on others is a completely acceptable behavior. It's what separates the strong from the weak.

7) I can't stress enough how important it is that you only watch shows with violence and inappropriate content, like Beavis and Butthead, Power Rangers, Pokemon and Family Guy. Watching Sesame Street and Little Einsteins is just a waste of your time.

8) Make sure you use brass knuckles next time you fight with one another. No more wimpy stuff like hair pulling and scratching. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Why not start practicing now on one another...you're never too young to learn how to give a good ass-kicking.

9) I'm only going to let you have a bunkbed if you promise to jump off the top bunk. It's no fun unless there are broken bones and blood involved. We have priority parking at the ER so why not take advantage of it.

10) You don't have to take a bath tonight or tomorrow night, for that matter. Remember, we only wash ourselves once a week. We take water conservation very seriously in this family.